Wedding Day woes...

Not to beat a dead horse or anything...but I guess the more people that read these posts, the more prayers there will be (I am hoping) for the relationship that I have with my dad. I am hoping that this blogging will feel like therapy for me. My shrink :) says I need to "remember" the times I was hurt in order to be able to deal with the hurt he has caused me over the years. So sorry to those of you sick of hearing the Wayne drama....but please use this as proof that Nick, Lindsey and I really need prayers for our dad!

I have come to realize why there is so much hurt yet in dealing with my wedding day in regards to my dad. It's the fact that he made it very obvious that I caused him great humiliation and disgrace. My dad acted as though he became the victim of a loser daughter. Becoming pregnant was a humbling experience for me. And at the time I needed him the most he left me. He didn't want anything to do with me. Being that I have kids now....there is nothing in the world that they could do that would make me choose to not be there for them. I just can't even fathom it.

I had just assumed that my dad would walk me down the aisle until my mom told me that he was waiting for me to ask him if he would walk me down. What daughter has ever had to officially ask her dad to walk her down the aisle. At the time, it made me want to just forget it and walk down by myself. I figured I would probably regret that someday so every day my prayer was for God to give me the courage to ask him. About 2 weeks before my wedding, I broke the silence(once again) and tearfully asked him if he would walk me down the aisle. I remember it vividly. He was buttering his toast and I was crying as I asked him. He kept buttering his toast and said, "I'm not sure if I can do that." Then he just walked away, never once acknowledging that I was bawling. He just shrugged me off....as usual. I wonder sometimes if the reason he wanted me to ask him was so that he would have the opportunity to turn me down and make me feel even worse for causing him such pain.

I remember that I moved back with my mom and dad about a month before the wedding. My dad said that "my mom needed me home" of course she did....but did my dad care if I moved back, Nope! In fact, he refused to speak to me during that entire month and would not even look at me. I don't think a day went by that I didn't lay in bed at night and just cry to God to forgive me for hurting my dad so bad that he didn't want anything to do with me. Now I think how stupid that I was looking at him like HE was the victim.

This was how life was, living in Wayne's castle though. It was always "what can we do for dad, what can we do to get dad to smile or laugh, what can we do to get him to turn off the tv, what can we do to stay out of his way so we don't bother him, what can we do to cost him less $, what can we do to make sure our housework passes inspection.....all we ever did was try to please him and find a way to make him show his love for us. He always said if I confronted him about that, "I show you I love you by going to work everyday so you can eat!" BIG WOOP! Every dad does that! But why couldn't we experience what most other kids got from their dads?

I still struggle with this in seeing the way my father in law loves his daughters. Honestly, it makes me jealous that he doesn't love me like that and it hurts when he shows affection to them when I was starving for that from my own dad. Obviously those are his girls so I won't ever be in as a true daughter....but it is just a constant reminder of what I missed out on and am still missing out on. I've talked to Matt about this and he says, "Ask him for a hug....you know he'd give ya one!" But it's not my dad, you know?!?

To get back on track....I always tell people that I hated my wedding and my wedding pictures. That day was just not a good memory for me. I hate that I am FAT in my wedding dress, I hate that I am pale because I was pregnant and couldn't go tanning, I hate that I had to have a winter wedding (I always wanted an outdoor wedding in the summer) and I hate that even on what is usually a proud day for a parent that of their child getting married....that my dad still would not even look at me. It is just a HUGE reminder that I embarrased him. It was me who broke the mold that he had maintained the perfect family. The truth is that on the outside our family was able to cover for him....but on the inside we were all hurting. To this day my dad thinks that he passed the being a dad test with A- average and doesn't even care to listen to us kids about what our feelings are about the past. He gets mad that we "always bring up the past" but the truth is we would really like to get over the past and move on to the future.....but the past keeps repeating itself in the way he fathers us or non-fathers now. So please pray that my dad's eyes will be opened to the hurt us kids are dealing with and that he will quit acting like he is the victim of everything and stop turning us into the victims.